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Macbeth

PDF Years after first adding this to my "Shakespeare" shelf, I finally sat down and did it. So here, long overdue, is

The Scottish Play, abridged:

WITCHES: Bibbity bobbity boo! Time to fuck with the mortals!

DUNCAN: Isn’t Macbeth great? Now there’s a guy I can always trust to have my back. I should promote him.

MACBETH AND DUNCAN: WEEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, MY FRIEEEENDS. YES WE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, WEEEE ARE THE CHAMPIONS, NO TIME FOR -

WITCHES: ThaneofGlamisandCawdorandFutureKingsayswhat?

MACBETH: What?

WITCHES: Oh, and Banquo, your kids are going to be kings someday. Good luck working that one out! *POOFvanish*

BANQUO: ...Dude.

MACBETH: Great news, honey! I meet these witches and they told me I was gonna be the thane of Cawdor and then BAM the king promoted me, and they also said I was gonna be king someday, so I guess Duncan’s going to make me his heir or something.

LADY MACBETH: Cool. I’ll invite him over and then you can kill him.

MACBETH: I…wait, what?

LADY MACBETH: KILL THE KING, YOU PUSSY!

DUNCAN: Hey, Macbeth, how’s my favorite -

MACBETH: I KEEL YOU!

DUNCAN’S SONS: *GTFO*

BANQUO: So anyway, son, apparently you’re going to be king someday, but I don’t really see how since now Macbeth’s the king, but anyway...

ASSASSIN: I KEEL YOU!

BANQUO’S SON: *GTFO*

MACBETH: Hey there, nice witches, I need some help. I just saw Duncan's ghost and I’ve been killing a lot of people and my wife’s losing what few marbles she had to begin with –

LADY MACBETH: THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE! THE BLOOD IS THE LIFE! I KEEL MYSELF (offstage)!

MACBETH: - and I’m not so sure about this whole prophecy thing anymore.

WITCHES: Don’t sweat it, you can’t be killed by any man born of woman, and you won’t really be in trouble until the forest starts moving.

MACBETH: Wait, didn’t something kind of like that happen in The Lord of the Rings?

WITCHES: NO. Also, watch out for Macduff.

MACBETH: Cool, I’ll go kill his whole family now.

WITCHES: This is just too much fun. We should have thought of this years ago.

MACDUFF: Macbeth, you are SO going down.

MACBETH: Joke’s on you, sucker! I can’t be killed by anyone born of woman, and since Caesarians haven’t been invented you…oh shit.

MACDUFF: I KEEL YOU!

WITCHES: More popcorn, Hecate?

THE END.

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